Saturday, April 28, 2012
Adapting
This is it. The inspiration for this entire blog. Granted, I am about 15 days post-op. I am healing well. I have gone to the doctor at 12 days post op to get a "walking cast.". Why in quotes? Because I cannot actually walk in the cast. If you recall, no walking until August. Sigh. I try not to recall.
Now, the actual physical healing is going well. I'm able to showern now. I can sleep without the cast at night if i decide to do so. I am plugging along. I have had an outing or two, including my son's baseball games.
The rest of it? You know, the asking people to help me with EVERYTHING?? The inability to vacuum, pick up scrap paper off the ground, sweep, pick up and console the children when they fall, declutter, shower, etc?!? I'm having a rough time.
I am usually the person who does all the shopping, because I enjoy it. I do the menu planning, the daily schedule/ routine. I attend the mid-day school events because I want to and because I can. Now,I have to delegate -everything,including the trips to Target. If you are the Target shopper, like me, then you know the "list" is a very loose list of the necessities. I mean,you don't know you need the pink sparkly wedges on clearance until you SEE them.
Now, I have to put together a list of what I need,send my mom or husband, and hope they find what I need. I can only imagine all the great deals I am missing out on. Sigh.
I am proud to say I have only had 1.5 breakdowns. Both alone, because of course I don't want anyone to feel bad. I HATE inconveniencing others or asking for anything. I have these standards for how the house should run and doing things around the house that I am trying NOT to put on others. It's beyond difficult. I don't have an option. So I ask. If I send ANY hesitation, I attempt it myself,which usually just upsets and pressures the person I am asking. It's a vicious circle.
I am hoping as my pain subsides and my balance gets better, I can do more and ask for less. I am hoping my control issues don't burn bridges. I am hoping the next three months speed by.
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I am 5 weeks post-op from the same surgery and boy do I understand. I am not really that much of a control-freak, nor do I run a tight household. But my lack of independence is killing me. I spent the first 4 weeks living with my parents (I am divorced with 2 kids, 10 and 12- so no adult help at home in my three story condo). It went okay there, except for the HUGE breakdown we all had one night. My parents did not want me having this surgery in the first place, so every time I have to ask them to help me, I feel like they are saying "told you so..." I was eager to get back to my own place, but now I am plagued with loneliness and frustration. Everything I do is a challenge. And I too HATE asking for help, I feel like a burden and I feel like I am inconveniencing everyone. On top of that, I am still having pain issues, and trying to take less pain meds, so I am also dealing with some withdrawal from narcotics. This is really hard.
ReplyDeleteI too am counting the days until October.