Diagnosis and Disassociation

I am still wondering how and why this happened. A week ago, I am sitting in the 4th doctor's office in the last year. A specialist at USC nonetheless. Finally, I'm going to get some answers. Hopefully the answer I want. He walks in, all European-like. He asks me why I am there and how can I help you. Obviously he has not thought to even glance at my chart. "How old are you?" Wow. You don't even know? I notice he hasn't referenced my name yet either. I answer, but then I am almost annoyed he is shocked at my age, diagnosis, and the range of motion in my hips. After a quick assessment, five to ten minutes, he says "Revascularization."

I have obsessively (and compulsively) had researched enough in the last three months to know EXACTLY what this entails. Maybe I am numb? I knew that this might have been an option for treatment, but the first option? I irrationally hoped for "let's get you on crutches and re evaluate in 2 months." I know..pathetic. I look at My Better Half (aka My MBH) and wonder aloud why I am not hysterical or sad. I am ...Okay, which seems odd. The doctor gives us the option of watching a video of the procedure. His video. MBH thinks its a good idea since we drove all the way out. He's usually tries to get the most out of everything, so I am not surprised.

Two minutes into the video, where they show the MARKER where the incisions will be, I lose it. I start to shake, I can't watch, I avert my eyes,I disassociate, ...I cry. I peek at MBH who is staring at the video, concentrating like he is about to take the medical boards the next day. He also added his own soundtrack, "Gnarly! Wow! Fuck!" I walked out before it was over. I made a beeline to the exit when the doctor stops us. Now he is chatty? "Do you like the video?" Uh, no. Did I find it informative? Sure.

MBH said I ran away from the doctor while he was still talking to me, offering to do this surgery in 3-4 weeks! I threw out every excuse I had: I need to talk to my referring doctor, I need to talk to work, .....I need to leave on a mission trip and spread the word of Jesus Christ. MBH later told me that it looked like I was trying to show the doctor how great my hip was feeling by basically running down the hallway.

It took me four days to get past the denial and to realize I don't have a choice, to talk about it, to think about it, to be able to help others cope, and to start this blog to chronicle my journey (assuming one day I will want to look back at the hell I went through).

The silver lining: if it works, I'm good.Forever. I also get to redo the back room - my new bedroom during my recuperation. I get to catch up on all the crappy TV shows and movies I don't have usually have time for. The cons: ...Let's not focus on that now.

I am still waiting for a final date...April..sometime. Not sure which date I prefer. I have come to the realization I am NOT in control.