T-minus 13 days. What have I been doing? Obsessing. Shocker, I know. Googling every possible search term related to the procedure: "Free Vascularized Fibular Graft." The fear of the unknown was causing mass amounts of anxiety. I had to find out something...anything. I tried various combinations and at first, nothing. Then, I hit a few forums that discussed "Bilateral AVN" plus "core compression." I had previously read the articles, so I just skipped those. I decided to check out the forums. BAD IDEA.
First of all, it seems only the people that had horrible surgery experiences on their hips actually posted. I read everything from "I am still in pain ten years later, still can't sleep due to pain and it's been 8 weeks" to "I had the painful surgery and ended up doing Total Hip Replacement (THR) anyways." I was confused and, more than anything, scared. What if I ended up picking the wrong treatment? Honestly, I wasn't really given any other viable options, but maybe I should back out? Maybe there hasn't been enough second, third, or fourth opinions? Then after I thought about it for a few minutes, I concluded: Well it seems as though only people who had negative experiences posted. Where are the people that had good experiences and outcomes? They gotta be out there.
So, I began to furiously email ANYONE I could think of for more factual information: My brother, my sister in law, my brother's friend who works with orthopedics (whom I met once), people from the forums that didn't have the surgery yet, as well as the (saintly) nurse that has helped me each step of the way with pre-op procedures, questions, and paperwork.
I fretted the rest of the day. I snapped at my parents. I had no patience with the children. I felt as though I was making the wrong decisions. I had images of painful drains, tubes, immobilization for weeks, scars, sleepless nights for weeks, and worst of all, possible feelings of regret. Finally, by the time I went to bed and wasted all day being frustrated and cranky, my nurse emailed me back. She emailed me that she CAN get me into contact with people who have had the same surgery recently. Also, there are not many resources or websites out there because it is RARE. So rare in fact that only TWO doctors in the whole United States can actually do it, mine being one of them (the other still being at Duke University). Somehow, that information, the fact that it is so rare, put me at ease. I mean, what are the odds all those unhappy patients that are still in pain on these forums had MY exact surgery?
I went back to the forums. I needed to. I found out that the surgeries THEY referred to were not exactly what I am getting. They are getting various forms of treatment for AVN including core compressions, THR, etc. Similar, yes, but not my surgery. Whew. Thank frigging' GOD.
What did I do next? I needed info still, right? Well of course I googled my doctor's name and the EXACT surgery name. Bingo- I found the Duke Handbook. It is for young patients that are having the free vascularized fibular graft. It had everything I needed to know to alleviate my anxiety: pre-op, post-op, pain, care, day of, days after, what I can and can't do, as well as a timeline. A TIMELINE. I was able to breathe again. I was able to think about April 12 without tearing up, without feeling like it was the beginning of the end.
I may not be looking forward to April 12, but I am not afraid of the unknown anymore.
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